Azuhamlet
by SiFi270
Summary: Yukari's class reads Hamlet, and they soon agree to put on their own version of the play. Hilarity ensues.
1. Prologue

A/N: I've been meaning to save my twentieth story for something extra special, like a sequel to "The End Of Boredom" (which you can still expect to see on valentines), or "SOS on Infinite Earths", which to you guys must be SHROUDED IN MYSTERY, but ideas have been beating the mayonnaise out of me for months now, so I thought I'd try one of them.

* * *

When Yukari Tanizaki walked into the classroom carrying a pile of thick books, her students were overcome with dread, but not nearly as much as they usually were when she entered the classroom.

"Last night," she said, "I was asked how hard it was to teach English when you're not native to an English-speaking nation. Now, have any of you guys heard of the centipede's dilemma?"

Chiyo Mihama raised her hand excitedly. "I have! It refers to a folk tale about a centipede who is one day asked how he manages to walk with so many legs, which causes him to forget how he does it and lose his ability to walk!"

"That's Chiyo for ya." Yukari smirked. "Yeah, that's pretty much what happened to me. At first, I panicked, and thought I'd have to start all over again, but after I calmed down and realized that that was ridiculous, it gave me an idea.

"It made me think, 'why not go back to the roots'? So I decided to consult the guy responsible for defining most of the English language as it's known today!"

"So what did he say?" Osaka wondered. "He must've been really old..."

"You could say that..." Yukari chuckled. "Osaka, I'm talking about William Shakespeare. He's been dead for centuries."

"Ohhh..." She nodded understandingly. "Boy, that must've been awkward for ya."

"I already knew he was dead!" she snapped.

"Then why'd ya..."

"When I said 'consult' I meant 'study his work'!" Yukari considered leaving the room and trying again from the beginning. "Look, we're reading Hamlet, okay?" She placed a book on each student's desk. "Dig in."

* * *

A/N: You can read Hamlet during this break if you want to!

* * *

Two weeks later, Hamlet had been read, translated, and explained (to the best of Yukari's ability) in its entirety. Many students interpreted the play differently, but none seemed to inspect it as closely as Osaka did.

"So... Did the ghost visit Ophelia too?" she asked nobody in particular. "Does it just let everyone in on what's going on behind the scenes, but also drives them crazy?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Yukari responded. "Why don't you go ask Shakespeare?"

"But you said he was..."

"Hey, I have an idea!" she interrupted. "Why don't we put on our own production of Hamlet for the entire school! Osaka, you can be Ophelia, and then maybe you can answer your own questions."

Sakaki immediately raised her hand. "Chiyo should be Hamlet."

Yukari paused to consider this before nodding. "In that case, you'd probably make a good Horatio... But who's going to be Hamlet's dad?"

"I've already got that planned." Sakaki said.

* * *

Yukari stared in disbelief at the gigantic stuffed oval-shaped cat that Sakaki had suggested portray the ghost of Hamlet's father. "That... Well, I guess it could work in the first scene... But what are we supposed to do when he's supposed to speak?"

"We found someone willing to provide the voice." Chiyo said, obviously confused by her own recollection of the incident. "He says he has experience in voice acting."

Osaka smiled in confirmation of what her friend was saying. "Says he's played Dracula, one of Dracula's rivals, and one of those Dragon Ball Z guys."

Yukari placed a hand to her chin. "I'm willing to believe at least one of those... But! I guess we're ready to begin rehearsal now! Get to it, everyone!"

* * *

"Wow..." Osaka breathed. "Ah can't believe the day of our production of Hamlet is finally here! After all the weeks and weeks of rehearsin' and practicin' and memorizing lines..."

"Miss Osaka," Chiyo said, "I don't think those are your lines..."

"What?" She looked at the expectant audience filling the hall. "Oh boy..."

* * *

A/N: It's when you come up with things like Chiyo's dad as the ghost of King Hamlet that you _know_ you have to write something.


	2. Act 1

Surprisingly enough, the audience were perfectly fine with letting Yukari's class start the whole play from the beginning again. As a matter of fact, some of them seemed to have expected something like that to happen.

The play actually seemed better the second time around, as though it had been rehearsed once more... Which, technically, it had. As Shakespeare intended, it began innocently enough, only for things to be turned upside down when the ghost was introduced.

Even though they'd already seen it before, the audience, and even the actors, were taken aback by... Well, basically everything about the ghost. However, the fact that they'd already seen further than this warned them that, when it began to speak, things would only get stranger.

Four scenes later, it was time for it to speak, and the audience still wasn't ready.

"Wh-where wilt thou lead me?" Chiyo stammered, leading some to believe that she was a natural actress and others to believe that, like everyone else, she was genuinely unnerved by the creature. "Speak. I'll... I'll go no further!"

The 'ghost' slowly turned 180 degrees, the spotlight above it rapidly changing color as it did so. As soon as it was facing her, it spoke.

"Mark me." The two words alone were spoken slowly and ominously, as though they were a ritual used for summoning an ancient horror.

"I..." Chiyo swallowed. "...I will."

"My hour is almost come," it said, "when I to sulfurous and tormenting flames, must render up myself."

"Alas," Chiyo gave the audience a desperate look, "poor ghost!"

"Pity me not," it said, "but lend thy serious hearing to what I shall unfold."

"Speak." She nodded, as though reluctantly committing herself to something. "I am bound to hear."

The ghost moved closer to her. "So art thou to revenge when thou shalt hear."

"What?" Chiyo spoke as though she hadn't understood what the ghost had said, even though she was fairly sure that that wasn't what Shakespeare had intended.

"I am thy father's spirit!" the ghost said majestically. "Doomed for a certain term to walk the night, and for the day confined to fast in fires, till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away! But that I am forbid to tell the secrets of my prison house, I could a tale unfold whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood, make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres, thy knotted and combined locks to part, and each particular hair to stand on end,"

This line drew the audience's attention to the fact that Chiyo's pigtails didn't seem to droop downward as they usually did. However, their attention quickly snapped back to the play when the ghost continued speaking.

"like quills on the fearful porpentine! But this eternal blazon must not be to ears of flesh and blood. List, list, o list!" It paused, its blank eyes, looking more alive than they should have, fixed on Chiyo. "LIST!"

"Oh God!" Chiyo jumped back, her entire body fighting the urge to run offstage and cower.

"If thou didst ever thy dear father love," it continued, "revenge his foul and most unnatural murder!"

With all the bravery her small body could possibly contain, Chiyo approached the ghost again. "M-murder?"

"Murder most foul," it moved towards her again, its voice lowering slightly, "as in the best it is." It returned to its original position, as did its voice. "But this most foul, strange and unnatural."

"Haste thee to know't," Chiyo all but begged, despite her clearly wanting the exact opposite, "that I, with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love, may sweep... to my revenge."

The ghost laughed loudly. "I find thee apt," it said, "and duller shouldst thou be than the fat weed that roots itself in ease on Lethe warf, wouldst thou not stir in this. Now Hamlet, hear. 'Tis given out that, sleeping in my orchard, a serpent stung me." It did the best a stuffed toy hanging from a rope could do to pantomime the incident in question. "So the whole ear of Denmark is by a forged process of my death rankly abused. But know, thou noble youth, the serpent that did sting thy father's life now wears his crown."

"O my prophetic soul!" Chiyo gave the audience another look, just as desperate as the first. "My uncle?"

The ghost answered with a particularly long monologue, many parts of which lead Yukari to believe he was improvising. Finally, it was dragged away from the stage, and Chiyo let out a sigh of relief, as though she'd been holding her breath throughout the entire scene. When Sakaki ran over to her, she looked genuinely concerned for the younger girl, and the audience reached the conclusion that everyone in this class excelled at acting... Under the right circumstances.

"Heaven secure her!" Sakaki cried sincerely. "...I mean..." She cleared her throat. "...him. Heaven secure him."

"So be it..." Chiyo said, clearly shaken, but still much calmer than before.

"Illo, ho, ho, my lord." She smiled, but only Chiyo was close enough to notice.

"Hillo, ho, ho, boy..." Chiyo said, still not understanding the words after several weeks of analysis, and several more weeks of rehearsal. "Come, bird, come."

"How is it, my noble lord?" Kaorin, as Marcellus, asked.

"What news, my lord?" Sakaki added.

"Oh..." Chiyo's eyes moved from left to right. "...wonderful..."

"Good my lord," Sakaki responded with a more noticeable smile, "tell it."

"No..." She shuddered slightly. "You'll... You'll reveal it."

"Not I, my lord, by heaven." Sakaki assured her.

"Nor I, my lord." said Kaorin.

"How say you, then?" Chiyo responded. "Would heart of man once think it? But you'll be secret?"

"Ay, by heaven, my lord." They nodded.

She then proceeded to relay what she had learned to them, staying very close to the original play as she did so. To the audience, it didn't seem to stand out compared to other parts of the play, most likely, they concluded, due to the absence of the ghost. This made it all the more jarring when it spoke again, this time from underneath the stage.

"Indeed..." Chiyo spoke slowly, knowing all too well whose line came after hers. "Upon my sword... Indeed..."

"Swear!" the ghost's voice bellowed.

Chiyo tried to laugh, but it sounded more like she was holding back tears. "Sayst thou so? Art thou there, truepenny? Come on, you hear this fellow in the cellarage. Consent to swear."

Sakaki stood to attention, as though expecting the ghost to pounce on them at any moment. "Propose the oath, my lord."

"Never speak of this that you have seen!" She cried, the words rushing out of her mouth more quickly than she'd intended. After a couple of deep breaths, she resumed speaking. "Swear by my sword.

"Swear!" the ghost repeated, its voice coming from no definitive source.

"H-hic et ubique?" She took a step back. "Then we'll shift our ground. Come hither, gentlemen, and lay your hands again upon my sword. Swear by my sword never to speak of this that you've heard."

"Swear by his sword!" the ghost said.

"W-well said, Old Mole." Chiyo nodded minutely. "Canst work in the earth so fast? A worthy pioneer... Once more remove, good friends." She moved once more, and this time her friends followed her.

"Oh day and night..." Sasaki looked around the stage. "...but this is wondrous strange."

The scene continued from there, but many felt that Sakaki's line would have been a good place to end, not just because it provided a punchline of sorts, and summation of what had happened up until this moment, but also because it would have meant that they wouldn't have to hear the ghost cry 'swear!' again.

"Osaka..." Yukari muttered. "You'd better not force us to do this scene again."

* * *

A/N: Should I change the story's name to "Mihamlet"? If I don't get any response, then I won't, but otherwise, we'll see what DEMOCRACY has to say.


End file.
